Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
