Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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