what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
