tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You've changed since you got that strap on
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
