Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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