I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
