I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Randomize
