Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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