mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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