All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
