So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
