I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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