everyone is single if you try hard enough
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
