his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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