I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
