Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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