I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
