i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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