I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
