Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
