he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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