He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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