dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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