this beer tastes like vomit already
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
