Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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