Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
FUCK WHALES
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
