She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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