just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
