I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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