You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
