there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
