I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
