Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
