i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
