Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
