tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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