yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
