dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wear drunk well.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
