Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
