I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
