oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
