when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
