The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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