the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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