so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
