Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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