so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
