Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
