my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
