"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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