Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
