i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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