I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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